Audio here- https://youtu.be/GA9GigGuf24 I love red velvet cupcakes, Yet, red is a colour that only takes My energy, my joy A simple marketing ploy Dye that deepens to blood as it bakes Chocolate posing like a criminal that fakes For sympathy, For empathy. I know there is only dye, A carefully constructed lie. Blinded by all kinds Forever closing the blinds. I know that I could open my eyes, A truly terrifying enterprise Awaits me Shames me. Back into hiding under covers Reading of giggling lovers, Searching for a bite, Starving for a kite To fly me to the glowing moon So that I may copy a raccoon And steal a star, Maybe life won’t seem so far From my grasping, bloody hand, Red eyes like a burning brand, All that remains Of overgrown pains. Watching as those cupcakes rise, Worried about temperature and size. The oven timer rings And my heart sings As I wait for that dye soaked lie To cool, so I can eat instead of cry Afterwards I’ll feel great With my red velvet cupcake.
Chocolate posing likea criminalthat fakesFor sympathy, For empathy. I know there is only dye, Acarefullyconstructed lie. Blinded by all kinds Foreverclosingthe blinds.I know that I could openmy eyes,A truly terrifying enterprise Awaits meShamesme.Back intohidingunder coversReading of gigglinglovers, Searching fora bite,Starving forakiteTo fly me to theglowing moon
Dear Kit,
This won’t be very long because I have a crap ton of stuff to get to, but this was fantastic! I don’t know how you meant for this to be interpreted, but I got a kind of ‘appearance vs reality’ vibe, along with dreaming and having to wake up. Or, even wanting to escape to somewhere that’s not reality. I thought it was beautiful, and I loved how well you used the red velvet cupcake. It actually tugged at my heartstrings a little bit, if I’m honest. I also really admire the way you rhymed so often and made it work. That was great 🙂
I’m just a little confused on the “So that I may copy a raccoon” line…that didn’t make very much sense to me. I’m sure you didn’t just throw ‘raccoon’ in there to have something rhyme with ‘moon’, so I’m wondering what that means.
Other than that, your blackout poem is beautiful, too. It gives off a little eerie feeling, and there’s a bunch of different ways you can interpret it. I love it!
Thank you for sharing, you did a fantastic job!
-Anastasia
Thank you Anastasia,
The raccoon bit is an inside joke with my family. this poem blends together my craving for nostalgia and sense of loneliness, both of which often circle around camping trips with my parents. On one of these trips a raccoon came up to me and my dad at a road stop and we gave it a slice of banana. Coincidentally, that night had a new moon, and as a little kid I got freaked out and told my dad that the raccoon had stolen the moon. So, very understandable that it wouldn’t make sense without that context.
Sincerely,
Kit
Dear Kit,
I would like to start this off by restating a fact that was presented in this piece: red velvet cakes are by far the superior cupcake to everything else. For that statement alone this post has my utmost respect. I noticed the rhyme scheme you have going on here, excellent work putting in that extra effort to make each line rhyme with the next. At first, I was confused on how red velvet cupcakes had anything to do with this spoken word, but in the end and throughout the poem, you did an excellent job weaving that symbol in and connecting it to the piece. That was something I found to be very well done and was cool to see done.
As for critiques, there are just some rhythm issues here and there. Rhythm isn’t necessary, but it sure helps make the piece flow, especially when it’s rhyming. For example: “As I wait for that dye soaked lie – To cool, so I can eat instead of cry”. When I read that, the first sentence has a little less beat than the second one, and the comma kinda brings a stop that lengthens the beat of the second sentence.
Other than that, really good job. Keep writing, and keep eating red velvet cupcakes 🙂
-Jimmy